Have you been ordered by the court to attend a mandatory two hour mediation?
Are you feeling nervous or frustrated about what will happen with your children?
Are you concerned that you and your child’s other parent will never be able to get along?
Do you think that mediation is just one more step you have to take, but are not very optimistic about what will happen?
In Colorado, couples with parenting conflicts are court ordered to attend a mandatory two-hour mediation. This can happen as a part of the divorce process, or after. It can also happen when parents who have not been married need to change or create a parenting plan. Parents are asked to attend mediation so that they may resolve conflict in a peaceful fashion. A lot of people do not understand the potential value of mediation. They just see it as a box that needs to be checked. This is unfortunate. The right kind of mediation can make a profound difference for you and your children.
Mediation can transform conflict into cooperation and compassion. I have seen this in even very high conflict cases. Research has shown us that when parents are in conflict, children are in danger. Parental conflict can cause grave health and well being risk for kids throughout their entire lifespan. My clients have taught me that parenting issues are rarely put to rest in the courthouse. Undoubtedly, parental conflict is personal, emotional, and often highly charged. However, it rarely warrants being treated as a law suite.
Winning a law suite doesn’t end conflict; transforming conflict does. Mediation, parent coaching, and professional emotional support are key tools for transforming conflict. Legal intervention, although sometimes necessary, tends to perpetuate conflict. I am a child and teen therapist, Court Appointed Decision Maker and Parent Coordinator, as well as interest based/facilitative mediator and Dispute Resolution Specialist. My passion is helping parents foster resiliency in kids in the face of parental conflict. I know that ultimately both you and your children can thrive despite the pain of conflict and divorce. I have seen too many people do this to believe otherwise.
WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN A MEDIATOR FOR A COURT ORDERED MEDIATION?
You can use any qualified mediator you choose. You do not have to use one the court or an attorney suggests. Court ordered mediation in Fort Collins is often approached more as a settlement conference than a mediation. In a true interest based mediation the mediator works hard to understand more than the parties positions. The mediator wants to bring forth the reasoning behind the positions. Clients often don’t even understand their own reasons until given this opportunity Having a deeper understanding of where both parents are coming from allows parents to craft agreements in which everybody wins, especially children. Parties tend to walk away from interest-based mediations feeling calm and satisfied. The process can create goodwill and limit future conflict. It can also prevent litigation and potentially save you thousands of dollars. When children are involved, a well-trained interest based mediator can be a game changer.
When mediations are run as a settlement conference, the emphasis is on compromise and parents meeting in the middle. We call this, “splitting the baby”. The child’s needs don’t guide the process. Rather, getting a quick settlement does. Consequently, this can create lose/lose scenarios and actually increase the potential for future conflict. Therefore, to get the full value of a court ordered mediation, it is ideal to have an interest-based mediator. You are looking for more than just an agreement. You want a sustainable agreement in which both parties have maximum buy-in. Furthermore, you want it to serve your children’s best interest and reduce the possibility of future conflict and court involvement. Finally, you want the agreement reality tested with the potential for reasonable and enforceable consequences if violated.
HOW DO I CHOOSE A MEDIATOR?
You want to choose a Fort Collins mediator that both parties are comfortable with. Ideally, you will choose an interest based mediator. This will help maximize outcomes. He/she should have a strong understanding of: childhood trauma (attachment trauma), factors creating risk and resiliency in kids, child development and child psychology, child alienation, and all relevant legal issues, schools in Fort Collins, Parent Coordination, the local health and wellness community, and mental health. Also, you want to choose a mediator who has taken at least one general mediation course, as well as a divorce mediation course.
It is important to ask a lot of questions before choosing a mediator. Mediation may be your best opportunity to bring the conflict level down. It may also be your only opportunity to create win/win solutions in your child’s best interest and set a positive path for the future. Finally, you can save a lot of money by reaching settlement though mediation. Most mediators are either mental health practitioners or attorneys. Some are both. Undoubtedly, It’s hard to find a mediator who has the ideal skills you are searching for, and the personality that suits you. Nonetheless, it is definitely worth taking the time to find the right person. If you are working with an attorney, they may make recommendations. Do your due diligence and make sure the mediator has the qualifications discussed above.
WHY IS YOUR OFFICE AT A FARM?
Amani Farm is a place to breathe deeply, find your ground, and navigate the divorce process in a way that serves you and your children’s best interest. Our mission is to help you move out of trauma, fear and reaction, into calm rational decision- making. We offer mediation, parent support, and healing services in an idyllic setting meant to help people feel whole in the face of conflict.
“If we are to teach real peace in this world, and if we are to carry on a real war against war, we shall have to begin with the children.” ~Mahatma Gandhi